A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape, being a former high school football cheerleader some 30 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda , who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and models athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
__________________ ______________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda 's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Mini in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this high pitch nasally whine that is becoming VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the Stair Monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. That stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little control freak! If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would smashed her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if she don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church courtesy van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little creep) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds and chocolates!!!
Hmmm....
In a large multinational company…
A fire alarm rang at 4 PM in a large office when almost all employees
were in office (approx 5000). As usual the entire office was evacuated
within 3 mins & all employees gathered outside the office in the designated area
waiting for further announcement.
The Security Officer in charge made the following announcement: "Dear
employees - with sincere regret I have been asked to announce that for
many of you it will be your last evacuation drill. Due to the recession
the company is laying off almost 50% of its employees. So when this
announcement finishes, I ask all of you to move back into the building
and if your swipe card does not work then it means you have been laid
off in which case you will not be allowed inside and all your belongings
will be couriered to you by tomorrow.
The Company has used this innovative approach as we didn't want to fill
up the email box with lay-off mails and good bye mails in thousands &
also to avoid any fight inside the office and the consequent security
issue for all staff.
Hope you have had a rewarding career with us and all the best ahead.
Please move back in & try your luck".
A fire alarm rang at 4 PM in a large office when almost all employees
were in office (approx 5000). As usual the entire office was evacuated
within 3 mins & all employees gathered outside the office in the designated area
waiting for further announcement.
The Security Officer in charge made the following announcement: "Dear
employees - with sincere regret I have been asked to announce that for
many of you it will be your last evacuation drill. Due to the recession
the company is laying off almost 50% of its employees. So when this
announcement finishes, I ask all of you to move back into the building
and if your swipe card does not work then it means you have been laid
off in which case you will not be allowed inside and all your belongings
will be couriered to you by tomorrow.
The Company has used this innovative approach as we didn't want to fill
up the email box with lay-off mails and good bye mails in thousands &
also to avoid any fight inside the office and the consequent security
issue for all staff.
Hope you have had a rewarding career with us and all the best ahead.
Please move back in & try your luck".
Some Knowledge To Share
WHO KNEW THIS???
I have been driving for nearly 44 years... I would think I should have noticed the little secret on my dashboard that was staring me in the face the whole time...I didn't...and I bet you didn't either...
Have you ever rented or borrowed a car and when arriving at the gas station wondered...mmm, which side is the gas filler cap?
My normal solution was to stick my head out the window, strain my neck and look, try to see in the side mirrors or even get out of the car!
Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to share with you my little secret so you will no longer look like Ace Ventura on your way to the gas station or put your neck at risk of discomfort or injury.
If you look at your gas gauge, you will see a small icon of a gas pump?
The handle of the gas pump will extend out on either the left or right side of the gas pump?
If your tank is on the left, the handle will be on the left? If your tank is on the right, the handle will be on the right (see photo). It is that simple!
Don't feel dumb, just go out and share the world's best kept auto secret with your friends.
Take a rest for a deep thinking :-)
An Excellent Read
I arrived at the address where someone had requested a taxi. I honked but no one came out. I honked again, nothing. So I walked to the door and knocked. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.
After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie.
By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets..
There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.
'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, and then returned to assist the woman.
She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.
She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated'..
'Oh, you're such a good boy', she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?'
'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly.
'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice'.
I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued. 'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.
'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.
For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.
We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.
Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired. Let's go now'
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.
Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up.. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her.
I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.
'How much do I owe you?' she asked, reaching into her purse.
'Nothing,' I said
'You have to make a living,' she answered.
'There are other passengers,' I responded.
Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.
'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said.
'Thank you.'
I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.
I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift?
What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?
On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.
We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.
But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.
PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID, BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.
I arrived at the address where someone had requested a taxi. I honked but no one came out. I honked again, nothing. So I walked to the door and knocked. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.
After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie.
By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets..
There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.
'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, and then returned to assist the woman.
She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.
She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated'..
'Oh, you're such a good boy', she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?'
'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly.
'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice'.
I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued. 'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.
'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.
For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.
We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.
Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired. Let's go now'
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.
Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up.. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her.
I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.
'How much do I owe you?' she asked, reaching into her purse.
'Nothing,' I said
'You have to make a living,' she answered.
'There are other passengers,' I responded.
Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.
'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said.
'Thank you.'
I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.
I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift?
What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?
On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.
We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.
But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.
PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID, BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.
Why Chinese shouldn't have Christian Names!
Confusing Chinese Names
Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!
Operator : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller : I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.
Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one)has involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one)got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.
Operator : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator : I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).
Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!!
In the Desert
Two Christians were lost in the Sahara desert .
One is called David, the other is called Michael .
They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis , with what looked like an minaret of a mosque in the middle .
David said to Michael : "Look, let's pretend we are Muslim, otherwise these Arabs are going to kill us . I am going to call myself Mohammed."
Michael refused to change his name , he said :" My name is Michael , and I will not pretend to be other than but what I am . ...Michael."
The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names .
David said : "My name is Mohammed ."
Michael said : "My name is Michael. "
The Imam turned to the helpers of the mosque and said :
" Please bring some food and water for Michael only ."
Then he turned to the other and said :
" Well Mohammed I hope you are aware that we are still in the holy month of Ramadan ."
One is called David, the other is called Michael .
They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis , with what looked like an minaret of a mosque in the middle .
David said to Michael : "Look, let's pretend we are Muslim, otherwise these Arabs are going to kill us . I am going to call myself Mohammed."
Michael refused to change his name , he said :" My name is Michael , and I will not pretend to be other than but what I am . ...Michael."
The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names .
David said : "My name is Mohammed ."
Michael said : "My name is Michael. "
The Imam turned to the helpers of the mosque and said :
" Please bring some food and water for Michael only ."
Then he turned to the other and said :
" Well Mohammed I hope you are aware that we are still in the holy month of Ramadan ."
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